She came back. She came back so suddenly, I spent solid thirty minutes trying to figure out what she was like, who she was and why she existed…again! Again?
She had been gone for a while, and stupid, so so so very stupid I never thought that she would ever come back. Until I again, wanted to feel alive. I can’t say that I am too happy about her return but she couldn’t have come at a better time.
Let me tell you a little about her magical wonders. She has a way of blocking out everything you ever think of, the emotions you ever feel and excuse me for saying this, the shit you know you do not what to deal with.
She is good! “Tshiamo, she is good for you.” She protects you and she does a very good job at that. She gives you a mother’s non-existent love, the tight hugs and cheek squeezes from your grandmother and that last ‘I love you text’ from a loved one before you go to sleep at night.
She comforts you, embraces your flaws, past mistakes, and she does not mock.
A face so beautiful and, and, and…
Love me. I close my eyes and I feel you smother me. I lay still. The movement around me slows down and so does time, but, my heart beats a little faster. Adrenaline rushes, my body hair stands as hard as solid, and as soldiers at war. I get a big lump in my throat, I want to scream with excitement, I feel alive but…you let go.
“I am not suffocating, I promise, Sue please don’t stop, do it again!”
I am not ready? How dare you, tell me, that I am not ready to live, what am…
Breathe. My heart rate slows down, the movement around me speeds up and so does time, but, my heart stops beating. I have no adrenaline rush, my body shuts down, the lump in my throat is gone, I am dead, on the inside. Dead.
Had you not smothered me, I would’ve almost forgotten just how good you are for me. I almost forgot just how good it feels to be home. I know I have never said this before, but I missed you. Who was I trying to fool by thinking life would be great without you in it when you are what makes me feel alive.
Hanging from the ceiling, you’re that rope that offers me life support. On the edge of a cliff, you are the wind that keeps me grounded and you take all the pain away. It is through you that I know there is a possibility where life will be something I enjoy, together with its people and its crap.
The warmth you make me feel is that of a thick, slimy, long python slowly wrapping itself around a god given gift, a meal. And oh it hugs!
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