I am a prisoner of my own feelings. It is not that I am guilty of something but this is what I am in. It’s always hard to express my feelings because this dark confusion of mixed-emotions keeps on blocking me. Most people don’t understand me and I don’t blame them, it’s how it is. I’m hiding behind a mask. I don’t find it wise to show how I really feel. I am so hurt deep inside and no words can explain this paragraph of feelings and pain. Life has shifted me to another level where there’s no food for the heart. I used to think I have got this under control but now it’s revealing itself and I’m crushed, big time. Every day is a new day, but to me I still feel like it’s a day from the past. I don’t know how and who to tell this, because other people pretend to care but deep down they don’t.
The cause for this is I trusted people too much and didn’t know that betrayal exists. I remember how I used to be confident, loving to myself unconditionally but all of that changed in a second. Life was grandeur to me, I used to be more alive and living. There’s this one particular day I won’t forget, I was walking to school and I bumped into this handsome boy. I couldn’t stop thinking about how he washed out my vocabulary so quickly since I am an outspoken person. The boy looked at me and smiled and for a second I thought he was charmed too.
This boy’s friend was a mutual friend and I got excited the day I found out. I decided to confess that I have a thing for his friend and he was quiet, still digesting the thought. I waited for the response and had high hopes about the whole thing.
The following day he told me that the boy said he wanted to see me and I was very happy and hastily said yes. This was a dream come true indeed, the day came and we spoke. Little did I know that he pretending to like me. Time went by. He kept on leading me on and my other girlfriend told me about this guy’s history of how he plays girls. I couldn’t believe it. I thought maybe she envied what I had. It came to a point where the boy was starting to burst, showing the true colors. The mask was falling off of his face.
He said one day “You are too forward, too young for me and I have a girlfriend and I love her so much”.
I felt like I was drained and it killed me big time. I didn’t see this coming. I was shocked. My life changed from there; I became insecure and thought all guys are douchebags and started hating myself for loving him. I stopped doing the activities I liked doing the most and had a low self-esteem. It became worse every day, I was starting to lose it. I couldn’t even concentrate even for a minute, not realising I was giving him power over me.
After some time I healed from all of that and got to understand I was young and naïve. I had to learn how things worked in this world.
I now understand how life is and how I should see it in order to live positively. It taught me to be thankful for the lessons I learn daily. I’m stronger than before, I know I don’t need anyone’s love to justify my life. I’m worth more than materialistic things. I deserve better and being vulnerable helps me to grow. Showing how I feel is important and a good sign of being human.