What is life? Life is a four-letter word that every individual has their own definition of. To me it means living in full expectations. It’s about enjoying yourself, loving yourself and appreciating everything and everyone around you.
I always dreamt of changing the world, but because of my situation and background, that dream was simply impossible. I had to work hard to prove to society, the universe and fate otherwise. I’d have sleepless nights thinking, crying, losing my mind and soul, bit by bit. But the voice inside of me kept me stronger. Sometimes I’d be like, “life is not fair” but if only I had known.
My family and friends were there to motivate me but I had just lost interest. Everything seemed impossible. I lost interest in life. I felt like why should I try if I was going to fail? I’ve fallen many times into a dark hole all alone with nobody to help me. I felt trapped in my own soul, drowning my sorrows with alcohol, I fell into depression. I had suicidal thoughts because of the failure and the disappointment and shame I had brought to my family. I was frustrated with myself for not trying harder, for not being brave enough to face challenges.
As we all know, if you come from a black family and a black community, people will always have something to say about your experiences in life. If you are having a bad time in your life you’ll be told about some powerful witchdoctor who will bring you luck and restore everything you’ve lost. They’ll take that last cent from you while saying they are helping you. Our community is known for not standing and supporting each other. We spread rumours and undermine one another. We see life differently. I was also in that situation. People and their myths.
You know when you’ve given up on life, when you’ve felt every pain, when you’ve been left stranded, when you’ve accepted your fate. When your dreams that you should have accomplished just perish right in front of you, that feeling when you’ve chosen death over life because you’re tired of living and being a nuisance to other people?
Right when you’re feeling those kind of thoughts, then something happens. Something big… something that can change your life for good. After all the failure and pain I’ve endured, finally my AHA moment happened. I finally got the job of my dreams. I’m finally happy. My life changed out for the better. All the sacrifices, the struggles, the failures and setbacks had proved to be worth it. I told myself that sometimes life is not fair, I wondered why did I had to go through all of that just to conquer the world, why wasn’t my road to success as easy as everyone else’s?
I am a successful young woman in a male dominated industry. I worked hard for my success. I had to persevere, be calm and be passionate about what I love. Life taught me that the universe’s time is never wrong. You can all start together but there is no guarantee that you will reach the finish line together. It taught me to run my own race without comparing myself to others. Sometimes we as a society should not compromise or lose our identity just to please others.
Life has never favoured anyone, it’s just that others were favoured by circumstances and they used that to their advantage. That is why they live the kinds of lives they lead today. Right now I’m back on being my crazy self. I’ve regained my personality and place in society. I live life up to my standards of which I can afford.
My family and friends are still there. They hold my hand, keep me strong during hardships, they are actually the reason I’m still breathing, succeeding and shining in life. I’ll forever be grateful to them.
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