I didn’t want to share this, nor simply write about my emotions but too much is happening and I feel like I’m going to suffocate and die if I don’t.

So, the story behind this is inspired by the tiny struggles I’ve been facing and dealing with lately, it’s a new year, new beginnings and for some reasons I feel so distant from the world, let alone my soul. I feel like God isn’t doing enough to keep me grounded from committing suicide.

Yes, I’ve thought about taking my own life a few times before. I just couldn’t go on with it because I’m scared of pain, that too also showed me how much of a coward I am. Depression and anxiety work hand in hand, I’ve discovered that a few months back.

In 2019 I waited for my matric results, eventually got them and discovered that I made it with a Bachelor’s passing. My family was happy, I was more reserved. I knew that I had applied to only two institutions, later that week they started responding to applications. The first one rejected me due to ‘insufficient APS’. Weeks went by, checked my emails, my SMSs too and only to find out that I had again been rejected by both schools. This started affecting me deeply, went on to do late applications, didn’t succeed though. I blame no one but myself, sometimes I blame God too.

I feel like I was born to suffer in some way, this caused me a lot of anxiety. I kept praying to God asking Him to release me from stress and panic, for guidance, forgiveness from my past and present sins. Sometimes I would literally cry whenever I start to pray, because rest assured I was having a bit of depression.

To cut the long story short, this is the new year, I still haven’t been admitted to any university, but I also don’t want to think much, that’s how I plan on having my year, if it was meant to be then surely it will be.

I trust in the Lord. He is amazing and I pray almost every day for myself to have a brighter future. One day I want to make myself proud and reflect on this time of my life, and say, “yes, I finally made it!” while turning to the other street driving my Mercedes Benz.

With God I believe. I believe that I’m destined for greater things. Congratulations to my peers who are achieving more than I’ve actually gained ever since we finished our high schools, a big shout out to them, God bless them too.

Let’s continue to praise the Lord for giving us this life.


Tell us: Have you ever been disappointed about something in life?