My biggest fear was losing you, because in you I saw heaven. Whenever you laughed I heard the twinkle of the stars and your eyes shone like fireballs and I knew God was near.
Now you’re gone and I constantly ask myself, when does it stop hurting?When I wake up? But I’ve woken up so many times to find that you’re still gone. I’ve tried calling your phone and it says you’re temporarily unavailable.
Well, death isn’t so temporary.
Mama, I hurt in places I never knew I had. Sometimes I cry so hard that I lose control over my own body and I start shaking and shivering. I feel my insides turn blue and I struggle to breath.
And I ask myself, when does it stop hurting?
Some nights I lay with my hand over my mouth with tears cascading out of my tear ducts. It hurts so much and all I want to do is sleep but whenever I close my eyes all I see is your body buried beneath the soil.
Oh Mama, you have suffered a great deal of pain. The first time I saw you sick my heart was torn into shreds. You looked so fragile. I thought soldiers were immortal but they’re only human.
You got better, but never really got back to your old self. I can even remember the day I hugged you, and I had no idea it would be the last. In my head I wished I could remain in your embrace. I hanged on for dear life because you were my pillar of strength.
Now I have nothing to hold onto, no heaven to look into and no laughter to make my heart happy. Some nights I smile because I know your heart is full and your soul is content. I smile because I know your pains have been taken away.
Mama I miss you.
I cry because I imagine my Christmases without you. Your presence, the food you used to make and your warm, motherly touch. Now that my heaven is gone the stars have lost their sparkle.
Will it ever stop hurting?