It was 2 August 2019 when I woke up in an unbelievable state; my eyes were filled with tears of joy. My lips were wide with a smile that came naturally. I had butterflies in my stomach, my heart was beating so fast I felt like it was going to jump out of my body. My toes were tingling and the excitement that I felt was overwhelming that I could barely breathe. I woke up engaged to the man of my dreams; I don’t think I had ever been that happy in my entire life. The man that I have loved for so long that it felt ridiculous.

It was unhealthy and abnormal to love a person like that. I have tried so hard to forget him, to erase him but I could not. I found myself thinking about him at random times. It had taken him so long to come back to me but finally he did. He came back just when I had given up on any ideas about us ever getting back together again. I convinced my mind to let him go and move on.

I had to ease my heart into moving on and trying something different. I decided to date and to give each relationship a fighting chance. It felt like rebound after rebound; I could never connect to any of my other partners. I mean I tried my utmost best to make things work but they were just destined to fail from the very beginning. How can you get into a relationship and promise love to the next person when you know well that your heart belongs to another?

He made moving on look so easy; it was effortless for him or at least it seemed that way. I did not want to show my struggles in the process so I decided to cut all ties with him. Seeing him knowing very well that I could not have him hurt, it sliced up my insides and left me feeling numb. I kept all the good memories intact. He was everything to me once before, so why couldn’t he be my everything when I needed him more than ever when life offered so many wonderful possibilities for us?

Then the day came, the day that I had been waiting for forever. He hunted me down and found me at a local Shisa Nyama and proposed. It was the cutest thing ever. He was so genuine, his every word was poetic and sounded like sweet nothings to my ear.

“Phumula, mother of my child it has only been you in my heart and I am unable to fight it anymore, I love you, marry me.” The words were like a bomb exploding in my heart. I said yes right away and the rest is history.

I suddenly had no appetite for the meat that I had been patiently waiting for. We drove to his house and we cuddled for what felt like forever until night came and sleep took over.

The next day I woke up and I was Mrs Lata. Well, not officially but soon to be. My life was falling right into place. I looked at my left hand and there was no engagement ring. I panicked and started looking for it frantically in the duvet covers but then the duvet was too familiar. It was mine; the one I slept in at home. I stopped and looked up sure enough I was home, then it came to me the truth. It was a dream; it was all a dream.

The pain was too much to bare, it felt like my dreams had been shattered. It was not the first time or the second or third I have lost count of the number of times I’ve had these torturous dreams.

I wanted the dreams to end. I couldn’t live my life loving someone who did not give me a second glance; someone who didn’t even acknowledge my existence anymore. I did this to myself when I left him four years back; the decision was ill advised and hasty. It must have torn him apart although it was not my intention to do so. I realised my mistakes but I had too much pride to admit I was wrong. I made a bad decision leaving the father of my child.

Why? That is a question even I cannot answer; it was little silly things that I cannot even recall. I left him and I do not blame him for not trying harder to get me back because looking back, I realise that my actions didn’t make any sense. I left without a valid reason and my regrets taunt me and haunt me to the point that I am unable to find peace.

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