I grew up as a little boy that never felt any harm from life because of the warmth I received from my parents. Growing up, I viewed life as an interesting journey that one wouldn’t want to escape from; a dream that one wouldn’t want to wake up from – not knowing that all that would be gone and that and I would be left with sadness and pain only.
They usually say, “Nothing last forever”. I never believed those words until I saw my mother for the last time. I still remember it as if it happened a few hours ago. It was on the 20th of January in 2015, the day I saw my mother for the last time. That day was supposed to be the best day of my life, because I was one of the top ten learners who passed matric with exceptional marks.
I remember one of my friends sending me an SMS as a means of passing on their condolences, it felt like a dream. I didn’t believe him. I kept asking myself if I was crazy or what? If I was ready to face that situation? I wasn’t thinking straight. I showed that message to one of my peers, but my tears were already falling by that time. I had one question in my head, how would I ever be able to live without her? She was everything to me.
I talked to her about everything and everyone; she was the best thing that I ever had. But there was this disturbing voice in my head that kept on telling me that all of it were lies, that it was just a prank from a friend. But I asked myself why one of my friends would do that as they all knew that that day was supposed to be one of the best days of my life. I couldn’t wait any longer. I lost my appetite and wanted to go home.
We all waited for the bus to take us home. Deep inside I was praying that it wasn’t true. As I waited for the bus a lot of thoughts went through my head. One of them was: my mother knew that I wouldn’t be able to move on without her. Lord, was I not ready for that ‘cause I owed her so much. Little did I understand and little did I know. The bus arrived all the other learners were happy to go home except me.
When the bus reached my house I saw a lot of people and cars outside. I didn’t understand what was going on, not until all my brothers approached me. I told myself that yeah it happened, my queen is gone. I cried until I lost all hope, strength and faith. I wanted to know why, why me, Lord? Why now? Then it is said, “That nobody will ever understand, because everything happens for a reason and that we should never question God.”
After that day until now, I see myself as nobody; it’s so hard to heal. I feel like the world has turned against me. I feel shame and pity for myself; no day passes without me crying. My life has become a total nightmare that I wish I could run away from and never come back. Trials are steep, the pain grows and love grows fonder. Sometimes, I wonder why I’m still alive. I wish I could run away, but running away from your own problems shows how weak we are -and it is never a solution.
I pray to be strong and to be able to accept that she’s gone forever and that she will never come back.
Tell us: Have you lost someone close to you? How did you cope with it?