“‘You love me?’ he said seriously. It wasn’t that I didn’t love him. As I said before, Owen meant the world to me. If he were a bird then I would be the wind.” – R. M. Drake

That is my favourite piece in a book by R. M. Drake. Seemingly it meant something to me, but back then I couldn’t actually decipher what it really meant. Now I can.

On the 18th January 2021, that is when my mindset changed. Whether it’s for the best I wouldn’t know. I let him feel every part of me, something I wouldn’t let any other person do, because he promised me heaven, but misery is what he half-gave.

My name is Anelisa Hani. I am 17 years of age and I live in a township east of Johannesburg. I live in a three-bedroom house with a bathroom, kitchen and sitting/dining room.

I am someone you would describe as a lazy person, but I don’t think I am lazy, I think I take my time planning to do things. Getting out of bed is a struggle for me. I mean, I share a bed with my seven-year-old sister who sleeps like a long anaconda, so you can imagine that I sleep on the edge of the bed, meaning I never get enough rest.

Midday, at 14:50 to be exact, I took a walk around the neighbourhood and I bumped into a friend of mine. Well, I wouldn’t actually call him a friend, the dude had always hinted he had a thing for me and I kind of did too. Blessing was the name. He was tall, dark, and handsome, like an American-Nigerian hunk, but actually he was a Zulu man from Msinga, rural KZN. When you read about him you’d think he was fictional, but he definitely isn’t. He was 21 at the time and he had aspirations of being a model and quite frankly, the guy looked good.

We spoke a little about random stuff and he invited me out for an ice-cream date about two hours later because he had somewhere to be. I was hesitant to agree, but he used his charms and I found myself falling at his feet.

I went back home and three hours later he had not called or anything. I wanted to murder him. Thoughts of how stupid I had been to agree when he was probably playing raced through my big head. I have a big head by the way, I think it’s only right you know.

He called and told me to come outside to meet him. I wanted to make him wait, but two minutes later I found myself smiling like a madwoman next to him. We went to the nearest ice-cream shop and I bought my favourite ice cream, which is choc pie. Sharing a table with him felt right, I wanted to do it for years to come.

The day went on, we got to know each other and he invited me to his house. I didn’t want to say yes, but he just had this thing you know, he’d say something and if you disagreed he’d look you straight in the eyes, smile, showing his white teeth, then look left and right, then reach out to hold you, then he’d ask again and this time you’d agree. Trust me, I know.

We got to his house and no one was there. We headed to his room and I felt my heart cringe. I got scared and I somehow stopped walking because I came back to my senses. The door was already unlocked. He took my hand into his, leading me into his room. It was clean, one wouldn’t say it belonged to a boy, no, correction, my soon-to-be man. I settled on a chair by the bed while he went out to fix a drink, I assumed. I couldn’t stop looking around and deep down I wanted to know how many girls he had slept with on his bed. Thinking about that made me want to puke.

He came in with the drinks and snacks. He made some terrible small talk. When he saw I was getting a bit tired he stood before me and my eyes were level with his manhood. I was so scared. He knelt down then held me on my waist and brought me closer. He leaned over for a kiss, but I pushed back. I also don’t know why, but I had spoken to him in detail only today and I was going to sleep with him on the same day? I couldn’t.

He got up and sat next to me and said, “I want to date a girl who is ready to sleep with me because I’m getting older and I can’t be playing kissing games. I like you a lot, but are ready?”

Ready to lose my virginity to a playboy? I don’t know, even today I don’t know the answer to that question.

He asked me to be his girlfriend, to which I agreed, and I decided it was now or never so I made up with him. It felt like hell. The pain was excruciating, I couldn’t take it, tears were just doing the most. When he was tired of trying to break me he napped on top of me. He was so heavy. I mean, I had never done that so I thought things went like that; I endured the pain and his heaviness.

Minutes later he woke up and kissed me and asked me why was I so ‘tight’? Well because I’d never done it before, ever thought about that? I obviously didn’t say that, I only responded with a faint smile.

I kept going to his house and we became a couple, doing things together, and he was showing me his emotional side. At some point I felt like he was using me for sex and when I asked him he said he wasn’t and it caused a huge fight between us, our first huge fight. It was terrible, but we bounced back, or so I thought.

After two months of us dating, things were going well, I even had a pet name for him, it was Chocolate, my chocolate. I mentioned earlier the guy was trying to get his modelling career off the ground; at times he would go to modelling agencies to try, but no luck. I was supportive and I thought we’d be together when he had his big break, but turns out I was wrong.

On the 2nd of April I was in a taxi going to my aunt’s place for Good Friday. While in the taxi I received his text and the guy was dumping me. His reasons were that he didn’t want me to fail as I was doing 12th grade at the time, and I always said I would move away when I was done with school. He said he didn’t like the way my mother and I were at loggerheads about me being friends with him, which was true. My mother smelled trouble a thousand miles away.

He tried shifting reasons for him dumping me to be because of me. He moved on to saying that he just wanted to fix himself and get to know himself thoroughly, basically to find himself. I understood and I couldn’t be mad at him for wanting to better himself, but was I that bad of a person for him that he couldn’t do all that with me by his side?

With that I remember, I remember all that he promised me, but failed to fulfil. I’ll forever hold him to it, even though I know there’s no chance of him making right his wrongdoings. Every day I have to see him pass by my house, see his status updates and yes, he checks on me sometimes, but it’s not the same. I want to be by his side. I miss him.

Dear Blessing, please promise you’ll come back, in this day and age or the next, I don’t mind.
Your Nelisa.


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