For as long as I could remember nothing I did was good enough. Regardless of how much your words scared me, I still managed to look past everything and moved on. Maybe it’s a norm for parents not to ask for forgiveness but you have hurt me too many times. And all of those times I had to turn the other cheek because you were the parent.
Today though, I had to tell you that I forgive you. I had to forgive you for comparing me to your friend’s child. The one who got it all – the husband, the perfect big house. I had to forgive you for telling me I was worth nothing. I had to forgive you for body shaming me and saying I’d never find true love looking like ‘this’. I had to forgive you for the time I was down and out and you forgot who was the breadwinner for years. I had to forgive you for every time you called and asked for something instead of asking if I was ok. I had to also forgive you for not asking for forgiveness.
I probably still haven’t reached your level or understanding of perfection but I’m tired of hoping one day you’ll see me for who I am. I’m tired of waking up and expecting a call telling me to have a good day. I fantasise about having a parent that cares too much that I sometimes forget that it won’t happen in reality. Maybe your way of showing you love me is always telling me I’m not good enough. You’re always reminding me that other kids are doing better than me. I’ll never understand it though but it’s ok.
Mom and dad you might never ask for forgiveness but today I forgive you. You probably will never understand where all of this is coming from but it was time to let it all out. I’m going to continue taking the little steps that I am making to the future I want for myself. I apologise if it’s not to the standard you want but it will be good enough for me. I hope one day you’ll be proud of me, but if not that’s ok. I’m forgiving you from today on.
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