Cursing myself too much has become my hobby recently. I found out about who I really am. I just can’t seem to accept “myself”. I’m in complete denial. Nothing I do seems to take my mind off this reality. I always wish I could wake up with amnesia, so that I could forget about anything and everything.
It was one Friday, like any other, that I just found myself staring at some guy for a moment. I blushed and hid my embarrassment. I buried my face on my school bag. Luckily, no one saw that. The guy was damn attractive. What’s wrong with me, I asked myself internally. Days and months passed. I had totally lost interest in girls. They were just not doing it for me anymore. I was angry at myself though. I was in a rough space. To everyone, I was as bitter as cancer. I had found out that I am… you might as well fill in.
Why was this occurring to me?
Was I not destined to be normal like any other kids out there? Where did this sudden interest for guys arise from? Can’t I beat this and move on with my life? Can’t I just forget about my feelings and move on? Can’t I just erase all these grubby memories in my head? Yes, memories can be so painful. Forgetting might be a blessing. Can’t I just pretend as if I never was interested in guys? Questions continue shooting in my mind like a fountain, unanswered questions, I might add.
I had finally got the courage to confess to my mom. Coming out of the closet actually. I was panting non-stop. My breath was as heavy as the engine of a truck. My face turned crimson red when I had finally spilt the beans to my dear mom. She kissed me on my forehead and told me that she was glad I finally told her. She gave me a big smile assuring me that nothing will or has changed our relationship. In sighed in relief. I didn’t ask how she knew. I was just glad she didn’t hate me.
It’s been two months already. I am living a normal life. No stress about my sexuality. No more thoughts that break my skull. No more hurting and hating myself. No more treating people like trash. I’m just back to being my old self; a happy kid who has dreams to fulfil. A child who has no grudge against anyone. I really enjoy being with those who accept me for who I am than those who hide their hate towards me with their fake smiles when I’m around. Life can’t be better than this; I would smile to myself like an idiot.
Well, there are many kids out there like me. Some do come out. Some live a double life. Be true to yourself. Your lies might intoxicate you to death. People should love you no matter what, as they claim they do. No hidden agenda that will not be known!
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Tell us: How would you support a friend who was struggling with coming out?