On the 25th of October 2006, my second eldest brother was preparing supper for us. It was just the two of us and my elder brother in the house. My father started shouting at my brother, he was so furious and impassioned. He kept shouting and shouting until my brother lost his temper and did a terrible thing, he pricked him on his jowl. I witnessed all of that. My father immediately bled, and my brother started to startle because he didn’t know what to do.

“What have you done to our father? Look he’s bleeding, do something!” I howled.

My father knelt down and didn’t say a word. He was a very ill person, and the stabbing made him weaker. My brother went out running to call my mother.

“Dad, please don’t leave me, I need you daddy!” I said while bursting into tears.

He was bleeding a lot.

“Iyooh, mma weeh,” I heard my mom’s voice say.

I can’t recall what happened after that, but all I know is that I lost my father the following day.

A few years later I started school. I had a best friend called Lesedi who lived across the street, and she was my closest friend and we shared a lot together. We created the best memories as friends, and this continued until she had another friend and I was forced to befriend her too because I cared about my best friend. Things started changing when I met her friend Keneilwe, who ended up being my friend too. I befriended too many people, but I knew who my best friend was. Life was good and I was so delighted back then.

In grade 5, Lesedi left our township and only came during the holidays. When she came for a visit she acted differently. She wasn’t the Lesedi I knew, and she had changed a lot. Our friendship fell apart. She chose Keneilwe over me and ended up becoming her best friend and forgetting about me. She broke-up our friendship and forgot our promise to each other. I don’t know what changed her, and I thought I had lost her forever.

One day, Lesedi asked me a question that I couldn’t answer; a question that broke me. I can still hear her voice asking me that question.

“Why are you always wearing the same clothes? I’ve never seen you wearing jeans or pants, but why are you always in your dress and skirt?”

I didn’t know what to say to her, so I kept quiet and went home heartbroken. From that day on, I have never gone to hang out with other people, and I have only gone to school and straight home. I was reluctant to speak to other people because I was afraid that another person will ask me the same question Lesedi did.

What if people judge me? What if they criticise or bully me? What if they laugh at me? Those were the thoughts that ran through my mind every day while walking home.

I spend most of my school days by myself, and I was a loner. I can’t say I didn’t enjoy my life as such because, somehow, I did. Not having friends helped me a lot, and the reason why I say that is because I never got into trouble. I never did drugs or alcohol, and I never took drugs like my other brothers who now suffer from mental illness.

I am not happy about my home situation because, whenever I think about how we live at home, my heart breaks into millions pieces. All I want is to finish school, further my studies, and get a good paying career that I will enjoy. The only way for me to achieve this is if I study smart, not hard, and think and dream about my goals; I need to fake it till I make it.

I know in this cruel world, there are people who pretend to love and care about you while they are hating inside. There are people who want to see you fall down, and there are people who hate to see you succeed. There’s no one who should be trusted, and you should learn to love but never trust anyone.

I once thought I had friends, but they now turned against me. I know a friend that turned into an enemy has never truly been a friend.

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