I do not know who I really am anymore for real. Every time I look at myself in the mirror I see a ravishing girl but her spirit is broken into a million shreds. There is nothing inside her, except bitterness and rage for vengeance to those who have hurt her deeply.
When I do introspection, I look back to those rainy and dark days where I felt like dying was my only option because I have nothing to live for. There are people who lust for life; who are dying from terminal diseases while I am healthy but have suicidal thoughts. Everyone including my Mum and my best friend, whom I shunned due to her betrayal, contributed to the person I’ve become.
They created this monster. My Mum at least is trying to give me the love I never had, even though she is too late. I needed it back then. My best friend who I thought I knew, we have an estranged relationship. The person I knew from crèche is now like a stranger. Due to her backstabbing and deviousness, while I am a fiercely loyal friend anybody could ask for. If she only knew that she is history. She is just somebody I used to know.
Those kids from my hood who loath and detest me. Today they are trying to play buddies with me. They are too late. The damage has already been done. Some have forgotten what they put me through. There is no human that deserves to be isolated and rejected. Some confess the love they have for me and I shove their love straight to their throats with pleasure.
Did they think I would believe them? They must be daydreaming or something.
Where were they when I cried myself to sleep, feeling worthless and lonely? Where were they when I felt like killing myself? Thank God I did not kill myself or I would have been regretful. I’ve got so much to live for. All this rage and bitterness is not only making those who hurt me petrified but also destroying me.
All I ever wanted was to be a normal kid but they took that all away from me. They robbed me of an important stage of my life where I was supposed to have parental love and happiness. I need healing and forgiveness. I need to forgive myself first, that it’s not my fault that all those things happened to me.
Healing takes time and it will take me years to heal. Right now, all the bad things that were done to me are playing like a movie inside my head. I know I need to forgive those who have trespassed against me, just like the good book of the Lord says. I am not ready right now but who knows, maybe someday I will forgive all of them for putting me through hell.