I perceive that healing and patience are leveraged. Life took so much from me the past year during winter, including a precious little gift before I could see it grow and blossom. I’ve heard people say challenges we come across are what make life interesting but how does losing a loved one become something interesting? There’s a time that I remember when I never felt so lonely and sad.

I came to hate winter, it departed with a huge part of me. My one-month-old son, my own flesh, lay lifeless in a casket and ‘Goodbye’ meant I would never see him again. I still recall the cold winter breeze hitting every fibre of my being as I walked down the streets, resentful and feeling all empty. I had not many memories with my son but thoughts of what could’ve been. My heart sank in a river of tears every single night, and the thought of mothers tucking their own children into warm safe beds tore me into pieces. A true blessing about being a human being is that we have the power of choosing, but what choice did I have then? I know I wouldn’t have chosen this.

There’s so much about life which I now struggle to understand like why children die? Why my only child? I have so many questions I can’t find answers to. Those condolence messages felt like everyone was just rushing me into resilience. People would often say, “Let it go” or “It’s God’s plan”. Those are comforting words to say to a grieving mother, right? I know they all meant well yet it felt like they were just using clichés. The words felt so unreal and comforting words always had this negative impact of making us burst into tears. It pains when reality hits, when everyone goes back to their normal lives like nothing ever happened, it’s business as usual. Everything wasn’t okay when I woke up; I have a new normal now.

When has ‘Everything will be okay’ ever worked? Those platitudes slip far too easily from the mouths of those who get to put their children to bed every night. We are only humans and no matter how your story relates, it’s never the same. I know we grieve differently but I kept seeking for resilience in all the wrong places which seemed right at that point. I overdosed pills just to shut out the thoughts in my mind. There are things I swore to never do in my whole life but that was all before I lost him; before I felt the pain. I always said I had no ‘valid’ reason to drink alcohol because I had principles in life. I lost myself to a point where I went against all my principles, I saw no point of living by them. I had plans but life had its own plans about my being.

In my quest to attain healing, I pushed so many people away and broke so many hearts in the process but it was never intentional. You will be surprised at what pain does to people, I felt like I was served someone else’s karma. What did a young mother like me do to deserve all this? Well maybe it was all part of my journey, but what lesson was I supposed to learn out of this experience? Yet more unanswered questions. I took drugs and consumed so much alcohol just to numb the pain but I now know those were just temporary distractions.

My understanding of life has changed and a different meaning of life has slowly evolved. I will carry this permanent scar. Time taught me that I couldn’t remain a victim forever. I choose to live. Lately I’ve been smiling. I now know I can’t change the past and life is happening now. Everybody gets hurt someday, everybody faces hell on earth but reliving the pain will never change the past. Now I can say time slowly but surely heals all wounds. Patience is needed in order to leverage what time can offer.

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