A lost soul, an outcast and a weirdo, yeah, that pretty much sums me up. I was never anyone’s favourite and I don’t intend to be. Growing up I always knew I was different, well, not the unique kind of different, the outcast kind.

It all began when I was eight years old. I had both parents and I was raised pretty well. I was born male, but I never felt like a boy, I never wanted to be a boy. If it were up to me I would have swapped genders, I admired girls more and always befriended them. Boys made me uncomfortable and I didn’t fit in with them. Well, that wasn’t a problem now, was it? I was only a kid, but I grew and so did my problems. I was now being bullied every day at school, I was weak and vulnerable to the bullies. Came time for me to go to high school. Well, my parents were excited, but I wasn’t, I knew that the moment I walked in that gate they would see me for the weirdo I am, I’d get bullied even harder by older and bigger boys.

The day finally arrived, I was going into 8th grade and I was not very excited about it. To my surprise, no bullies came, nobody pointed or laughed at me and no gossip went around. This was great, but I couldn’t relax just yet.

Weeks passed. Weeks turned into months and finally months turned into a whole year and nobody treated me any differently. Finally, 9th Grade. The year was amazing and I finally had a girlfriend, Amanda. The girl was beautiful, kind and caring. She was like my best friend. I loved having her around and talking to her. I felt like she understood me on a deeper level. Although we never got intimate or had a proper kiss I still loved her. I don’t know, I was always too scared to make the first move. I was actually scared of the idea of kissing a girl. It freaked me out. She never pressured me though, but my mates did. Every time I met up with them they would ask if we kissed or what did we do. When all we ever did was hangout and enjoy each other’s company, but I fed them lies and said I kissed her. The relationship between us was unbreakable. We never fought or had arguments, we were always happy. I swear that girl was my best friend.

All good things come to an end right? Well, Amanda found herself a new boyfriend and rumour had it that he took her virginity. I was then called weak for spending a whole year with a virgin and never trying. That hurt me deeply. It took me a lot to get over the fact that she left me. I picked up the pieces and moved on. I was now an unfaithful person. I changed girls like panties and this made me popular somehow.

One night, I took too much time in the shower and by the time I got out, the locker room was empty. I checked my phone and my friends left me an SMS telling me where they were. Just when I was about to exit I heard groaning, I quickly rushed back thinking someone was injured. To my shock I found the team captain, Josh, pleasing himself. He didn’t notice me, I guess he was still enjoying the pleasure. I watched him from the corner of a locker. I suddenly felt this urge to please myself too. I started feeling a certain type of way, even my breathing was increasing, I was even panting. I approached him and he quickly stood up in shock explaining that what I had seen wasn’t what I thought it was. I didn’t respond, I got closer to him and pulled him in for a kiss. He responded and one thing led to another and before I knew it I was in love with Josh. I loved girls, but the way Josh made me feel was out of this world.

Soon rumours spread like wildfire that we were dating.

My parents also found out and they didn’t seem that shocked, but my dad wasn’t very happy. It was really hard to be a normal teen again. Josh had to change schools because he couldn’t cope with the stress. I got depressed and tried committing suicide a number of times.

I missed him every day, my marks were dropping and going to school felt like a suicide mission. Luckily I passed. After that I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself. To accept myself as I was, to understand that I was born male, but I wasn’t going to live like a man. I was going to kiss
whomever I liked, whenever. All I needed was acceptance, to accept that I was born that way and I would live that way.

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