Before I knew who my real mother was, before I knew what she looked like. My father had a photo of her in his wallet. I had always asked myself why he kept another woman’s photo, not of his wife. I never knew why I was the hated one. I am the first born in the family and I get tough love from the person who is supposed to protect me when I need her. My brother and sister were like born royal blood. Everyone loved them more than me. Nothing that I did was good enough to make any of my family members happy. Mom used to get angry to the point where she would tell me that I was not her son. This only happened when my dad wasn’t around.

It was hurting deep down to hear such words coming from my mother. She hated me for her own reasons. She used to love me before my other siblings were born. But why do my siblings love me and look up to me? I just asked myself this question and kept it hidden in my mind. Maybe I needed to talk to her to see if I did any wrong to her, but that would be disrespectful in our culture. I passed my matric very well and received a bursary. Mom said I shouldn’t accept it yet and then was forced to take gap year. I wanted to win her love as she was my mother. I wanted to be like my siblings. My sister was doing grade11 and I had to help mom to run the super market. Our agreement was for me to take one year gap.

I was not allowed to sell at super market after six months, I had to be home full-time. My mom was weird and scary. She told me to clean the yard each and every morning and said she should find the house clean. I wanted to complete and post my varsity application before the closing date. Dad gave me money to deposit and I did it on time. Mom offered me a fast solution that she would deliver the application form herself at the varsity offices. I loved her helpful idea. Post office can take longer than expected. I was already tired of being a home slave.

Being home would destroy me forever because I was a smart kid in class. “ Know also that wisdom is like honey for you: If you find it, there is a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off”, my friend quoted from Proverbs 24:14. I don’t know much about bibles but I believe in it.

Bible has a way of offending others with the truth. I believe there is a script that describes each and every one of use in the bible. A year was short enough and I was happy that I would be at varsity the following year. I came across my application form in mom’s room while cleaning and it was a sign that I would be taking another gap year. I was heart broken, how could mom do this to me. After all, I respect her like she is the only person on earth. I took the application and put it on her bed so she could see that I knew what she did.

She was ashamed and she made sure that I paid for it. She reported rape and pain to her doctor to support her statement. I was surprised when police officers arrested me for rape. They even gave me couple of hot claps. My father also turned against me. I was the rapist. Everyone looked down on me. My siblings hated me like my mom did. I had no one outside prison cells. I noticed that Dad loved mom more than me. He never wanted to hear my side of the story. She had good lawyers and all I had was a state lawyer who happened to be her ex-boyfriend. I knew it was kissing my freedom and education goodbye from that moment. I couldn’t stomach how people treated me like an animal that raped its mother.

Some elders knew the real story behind my birth. They knew that mom had a personal hatred towards me. It couldn’t help anyway. I received a life term jail sentence. They used me as an example to all the rapists out there. All I had was tears, pain and weaknesses. I was someone’s wife for my first week; I was raped all night long. They said they would kill me if I reported them. It was painful, I couldn’t sit down. None of my family members visited me. Within a period of four months I had a transfer to a higher prison. It was another way to say I would be punished even more. I was going to face hell in a cell. Everything was good on my first day. I received no punishment till it was 3am the following day. I was in the centre of the circle, they were singing jail songs. Fear creep in like never before. I thought I was going to get raped again.

I received a beating like a thug. They were big guys, each and every one of them wanted to test a new meat. That’s all I was to them; a new meat. I woke up at a hospital, and those nurses treated me like a criminal as well. They called me a rapist. I had too much in my mind. I wanted to know why mom had this hatred towards me. I was getting weak and weak every day, till my body couldn’t handle the pains anymore. I was stressed out and the nurses said they didn’t have time to deal with rapists.

An old man told a story about me. He knew things that I didn’t know about myself. He told me that the woman that I used to call mom was actually my step mother. My real mom died while giving birth to me. She is the woman whose picture I saw inside my father’s wallet. It felt like I was free to only see my real mother was nearby to welcome me to the land of the dead. The man I was talking to wasn’t just an ordinary man. He is God. I was not on earth anymore. Mom came to me and gave me a hug. She told me that she loved me and that dad loved me too.

Dad’s family never loved my biological mom, they found him a new wife even before I was born. My mom’s death made it possible for my step mom to get hold of my father and me. They introduced me as their own. She loved me like her own till she fell pregnant. It all made sense. She hated me because I was not hers. But I didn’t know, maybe I wouldn’t have even found out. All the punishment was because my biological mother was the real wife. Dad’s family rejected my mother because she was orphaned. All I saw was an angel in her eyes. She differs from the one I had on earth. I knew that someone would write a book about me and my sad life.

It might not be about me but it will be related. I send my story down to earth, for people to know that I died a virgin. I didn’t rape my step mom. I want the world to know how selfish she is. Whoever wrote my story should be not ashamed because I sent it to them as if I was the write. I’m a guarding angel who uses the angel on Earth to send messages. You might write this story but it is not you, it is me in charge. Let readers be blessed and the publisher rewarded. If I received full care from my dad I wouldn’t have died. He should have found out more about his new wife, the woman he made my mother. He should have told me who my real mother was. Why didn’t my new mother tell the whole truth? Telling me that she is not my mother wasn’t enough, and I thought it was just out of anger.

She used to beat me so hard I even thought she was going to kill me. My real mother was not there to pick me up when I was down, I had no one but dreams that would darken up each and every day. I was physically and emotionally abused. My silence killed me. Or is there anyone who can hear my thoughts except this writer? Was there any way that I could be helped?

If there is anyone down there who get to see this please help those near you. Earth was a nice place but I believe that my biological mom waited enough to see and touch me. Heaven is home now. I lived 19 years and I received all the information in one day after my death. Did God try to help me when I was in need? Or he loved me too much that he wanted to teach people something through me. I wrote about me through you, I told this write in a form of a dream. This should be the writers’ last time writing, I said to myself. Mom is my love and courage. I loved because I never received too much of love. They all love how they hated me. They must be happy to know that I am no longer there.