In Swahili, we call them “kunguni” and “wanyonyaji-damu” respectively. Bed bugs and vampires. I’ve had enough of these night crawlers! They are vicious creatures whose main aim is to come out at night and devour you to pieces. Their structure and appearance is very gross and an eyesore too. Their main food is blood. During the day, they hide in crevices and caves, at night they come out and play, and when I say play I mean “PREY”.

Bed bugs have none of vampires’ weaknesses. You know, like silver, garlic, blah blah blah. They don’t feel like they are on top of the food chain. Except they share a common trait: thirst. They thirst for human blood; the bloodhounds! Bed bugs have weaknesses too, they are allergic to hot water, steam, rubbing alcohol and diatomaceous earth. Just like some fictional vampires are allergic to sunlight, bed bugs are allergic to diatomaceous earth. This sand is natural and tender to human hands, but very rough on bed bugs. Bed bugs have weak exoskeletons, upon contact with this sand, they burn just like vampires.

Vampires have their leader, bed bugs don’t. The latter are like red ants forming an army of war veterans. Retired ex-forces commandos make a rebel group of bed bugs. When they attack you, you would wish you had never met them in the first place. Sleepless nights will be the order of the day.

The female bed bugs are compared to the queen bee; they lay eggs rapidly. They also migrate from one home to another even if they are miles apart. If you happen to visit your neighbour who has bed bugs, there’s a chance you will bring them to your home, and the breeding cycle continues. They are like Spiderman and black-jack weed. Spiderman because they jump from one host to another, black-jack because they stick to your body like glue.

Sometimes I sit down and wonder, what if bed bugs were giants? Bigger than us? Stronger than 10 humans combined? We would all be reduced to grotesque and emaciated creatures or worse, wiped out off the face of the earth forever. You wouldn’t want to be wiped out, would you?

The bed bugs would come out daily and feed on us. They would build multiple factories, abattoirs (slaughter houses) and blood banks or farms were they would purchase blood at an affordable cost or even free of charge. When blood supply dwindles, they would organise for a fresh hunt. We would all be hunted down by these monsters. Same with vampires.

I can imagine a bed bug forcing a human to donate blood at gunpoint. If he or she refuses, the bed bug roasts him or her alive. It may sound weird and kind of funny, but nightmares tend to come true.

Lastly, don’t worry about bed bugs, this short story was not meant to give you the creeps, but to show you my world, my fantasy. My view of these demonic creatures, yes, demonic, because they suck your blood without mercy. They don’t care who you are, rich or poor, a host is still a host.

Goodbye and may you have a bed-bug-free day. Say no to vampires too.

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