None of us is ever perfect. We all make mistakes. I wish perfection was bought in a lump sum. I wish I could erase my recent memory. An occasion of my entire unwanted mistake. I’m so lost right now and I don’t know who to even talk to. I just want to get this burden over my shoulder. I know I might be judged but that’s not the point right now.
I’m facing a serious matter here. I might lose whatever I saw worthy. I may lose my integrity, my innocence and my honour. I wonder how my inner-self feels about this. This is a total disgrace. It was just one moment that led me to this unfulfilling thought. Though I may not be sure but this seems real.
It is a moment of pleasure. A pleasing moment indeed, but something went wrong. As I felt my body pushed down and his body on top of mine, nothing mattered anymore. As he madly kisses my lips, I just felt weak. My body was in his mercy, I started shaking. I kept on thinking whether I was doing the right thing.
I’ve known him almost all my lifelong but I’ve never seen him pleasurably excited. I felt as if having to allow him was just my body deceiving me. It was wrong yet it felt so right. All those sweet whispers of compliments just drew me into turning a blind eye to reality. I felt loved. We then did the intercourse with the use of protection of course, but after that we realised that something went wrong.
The protection was no more to be seen. We both panicked in search of it. Where did it go? How the hell did it remove itself? Oh! My God I might be pregnant. Such questions raced up and down my brain. I’m too young for this; I told myself that. I am in no state to have a baby whilst I’m also a teenager. However, those questions stood no ground.
I tried keeping my cool but we’ve made a mistake. One thing he told me was that I should go to the clinic so that I can get a “morning after pill”. As I tugged my hair with my hand. I was ashamed. I didn’t know how to react to this kind of incident.
Should I laugh or cry? Should I scream or yell at him? What should I do – I asked myself that. I’m so furious with myself. How can I allow my body take control of my emotions? How can I let such a mistake to happen?
I’m damn screwed. I can’t go to the community clinic henceforth, I’m very certain that I’ll be judged. Even worse, I might be seen by people that know my family and they could spread rumours about me which then may reach my family’s ears.
Am I pregnant? What will I do? Where should I go for help? If only I had money, I would go to a private clinic and buy the pills myself but sadly enough I’m just an unemployed gap year student.
I can’t afford a baby. He’s also unemployed. Maybe I should just wait and see. Time will tell if I’m really pregnant. If I’m certain that I am pregnant, I’ll just have no choice but to end my life because the thought of killing an innocent child’s life and get to live to tell a tale will just do me no justice.
I smell death near. And wave my precious little moments a goodbye. I made this bed, it is my duty to lay on it. The earth has written a conclusion of my life story tale. Death is my only end. No more future. No more pleasures of lust, love and lies. I’ve reached my end part of my lifelong.
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