My thoughts, I can’t seem to control them. I have to either be sleeping, extremely busy or paying attention to them for them to slow down. I agree that I am always in my mind but I am trying to get out of it and be in the present moment. I used to love being in my mind because I was realizing that life is not what I thought it was. Reality wasn’t getting any sweeter. Now though, I am starting to accept reality and I am at a point where I am like, “it isn’t that bad.” I can still find good on the outside but my thoughts are finding it hard to adjust. Like a jealous lover who takes their partner away from his/her friends and family, my thoughts hold me captive from the present moment. They want me all to themselves. I find myself screaming inside, “Shut up, will you just shut up.”
I don’t want to completely ignore them. My mind is after all my favourite place to be in, but during the day I must do, not think. I must be active and get things done, you know. So I found that at night I can listen. There isn’t too much noise and distraction at night.
It’s ten p.m. and everyone is in bed except me. Living in a two-roomed house I never get alone time during the day. I need alone time to think, this time of the day is very special to me. It’s cool and quiet. I get to be alone and my thoughts are feeling special right now. They have me all to themselves. I take a deep breath. Mmm… that feels good. I am sitting on the couch opposite the TV. The volume is down. I am using it as my source of light because the light bulb is too bright for my family who are sleeping. My pen and my book are on my lap because my thoughts are so jumbled up I can’t think in my mind, I must think on paper. Okay thoughts, I am listening. What do you want to say?
Dreams. My thoughts talk about dreams. My dreams are still dreams for now. I am working on making them a reality step by step. Now the thing about dreams is that they are seen by the dreamer alone so how do I convince my mother and grandmother, who think I must find a job and start earning money so that I can help out at home.
I cannot do what my mother and grandma wish me to do. I cannot just take an ordinary job for money because it will deduct irreplaceable time that I could use to fulfil my vision. My mom and grandma are thinking about the earnings from the job which will help at home and I understand that. I am not selfish, but I believe that my dreams will come true and they (my family) shall eat from the fruits of my persistence and determination.
I will take the risk of going after my dreams and I am scared. I pray and hope that it all works out and I pray and hope that my parents will still be alive to see what I have always seen come true. I am horrified by the thought that my dreams will not come true, because I don’t feel anything else banging at the door of my heart so rapidly, calling for my attention and earnestly putting itself out there to be noticed by me the way my dreams are doing.
I am human, therefore I get doubtful of my dreams sometimes. So what helps me believe in them again when I’m ready to give up? When all is dark and cold. When I am dry as the Sahara. When quotes like “never stop, never settle” don’t work anymore. When I question waking up. When the day runs me and I’m as unresponsive as a dead cell phone.
God. At my lowest, when I don’t have the energy to pray. I force a “Lord please help me, I need You”. Then like the song by Kirk Franklin says “Joy cometh in the morning”, I wake up with a brand new engine for a mind and I get back to work. Then I thank him, “Who knows me better than my creator?”
Love. Ohhh no ,not that. Yes that. My thoughts really want to go there. “Cinderella, Snow White, Beauty and the Beast, Sleeping Beauty, all of them, a lie, we have been sold a lie!” they cry out to me on paper.
Happily ever after is a scam. These are the stories (Cinderella, Snow White, Beauty and the Beast etc.) that I wanted to tell my kids but now I’m not sure if that’s a good idea because happily ever after is not real.
Who doesn’t want… happily ever after? Imagine the little girl in me who believed in that and in Prince Charming. Maybe another kid somewhere knew that they were just silly stories and reality didn’t hit her so bad but my little girl believed in them so bad. She knew there was no such thing as Superman, Spiderman, Batman. Pshh all those were absurd but ‘Cinderella!’, that was her favourite.
The consequences of the so-called love of our generation are not ‘happily ever after’ and that is the sad reality that I realised. You get physically abused in a relationship that was formed because of love, you get played and hurt.
Growing up is just painful. There is too much lust and infatuation mistaken for love. There is mjolo the pandemic and divorces left, right and centre. No love. Just broken people who keep cutting others and themselves. Hurt people hurt other people. It’s a mess out here.
Yet, my heart will not let go. My heart still believes in love. I have found out that love is not happily ever after and because it isn’t doesn’t mean it’s not worth having. In fact true love which loves even the dark parts of ourselves which are true and inherent, is better than happily ever after. I have found this from YouTube videos made by married couples who talk about what they go through and what marriage is all about. They have made me understand what true love is and as a result have confirmed to me that true love exists.
Money, money, money. Hmmm. Money is a means to an end. I need money to live the life of my dreams. Money is a good resource and it helps meet my family’s needs.
When I receive money I get so stressed though, because I think, “Damn. I need a lot of things, I want a lot of things and this money is not enough. So what will I buy and what will I not?” Ohhh gosh. I hate choosing. Who is with me on that? Can I just have it all please?
Now that’s another area of adulting that is still so frustrating. Sometimes I just think to myself, “you know what, na enjoyment my sister. You’ll think about your future next year.”
There is a quote that helps me every now and then when it comes to choosing and it says, “If our souls are the only things we take with us when we die then they ought to be the most important of all.” Ohhh man, this quote hits me every time. So I think to myself, I won’t take my mansion(s) and cars when I die but I will take my memories with friends and family, my achievements, the memory of helping that guy and that old lady, the experience of skydiving and how I felt when I jumped off the plane. From that quote I decided I will choose experience over material. Of course not all the time because now I have money for necessities and not really for skydiving but I save up for bowling with friends, at least that is within my means.
Overall I just live the life I can maintain for now. Yes, I will always want something because I mean new clothes are designed everyday but I am learning to be content with what I have. As my finances grow those wants will be met some day. Otherwise my overall well-being is independent of all that and for that I say, “Thank you Jesus.”
It’s one a.m now and the ice-cold wind of midnight is stinging my skin. My thoughts are at ease and they feel heard. I feel good now but my body does not. My eyes are heavy and my back, neck and TV.. It’s pitch black. I close my eyes and as I walk to bed quietly. I reach out for the furniture I know is there so that I don’t bump into it. I slowly get on the bed making sure that I am as quiet as I can be. Like a lion slowly creeping up on its prey with caution. I crawl on the bed but not to pounce on my peacefully asleep grandma but to make sure I don’t wake her up. I pray in my heart and soon enough it’s lights out.