Staring at my reflection in the mirror, only my worthlessness appears to be clearer. “Self-love is the best love”, but what is there to love?

I’ve tried out so many hairstyles and different clothing, but still feel ugly. I’ve been told I’m ugly from first grade! Other kids would make jokes about me and I felt like this ever since. If I had any friends, they would either be messed up or superior to me. I was the DUFF, short for designated ugly fat friend, so my friends were always considered to be prettier than me.

I’ve read books, listened to motivational talks and sought self-love, but compelling myself to love myself brings me nothing but terror.

I’ve never felt beautiful in my life and guys never look at me like I’m somebody. Girls never fear their boyfriends having an interest in me because I’m just not a threat. I look at hot guys and wish they’d see me, but to them I don’t exist. I’ve never thought of making love because if people are too ashamed to utter a word to me, why would they want to make love to me?

Whenever a guy approached me it’d be to ask about a friend or some girl I know. I just don’t exist! I can’t even talk about any of this to anyone, it hurts too much to talk. There were days where I’d try to look pretty so someone could ask me out but no one ever did. Lately I don’t even care enough to put an effort. I know no one’s going to date me, so why bother? If anyone ever told me they loved me I wouldn’t believe them.

People are so ashamed to be seen with me. I’m literally no one’s type! I’ve tried to feel beautiful and love myself but it’s a lie. I’m not beautiful, so how can I believe something I know not to be true?

All people do is mock me. “Look at her hair, look at her feet.” If I try to speak, they just block me.

I’m not good at anything, I’m even doubtful of sharing this piece with anyone. I dropped out of varsity to become an actress, but I couldn’t do that either because I’m worthless. I can’t resist food and staying indoors is my only escape.

But a part of me wonders whether other girls ever feel like this. Whether someone resonates with me and my experience. Not books, not brains, not looks, just stains. So much agony, so many scars. It’s not because I’m an orphan, it’s not because they don’t love me. It’s because I can’t love myself and I don’t see why anyone would. I’d let go of all the hate if I could, but there is no love.

I used to cry a lot, now I just feel broken beyond repair. I want a mask. I want to keep my face concealed. I make it my task to keep my mouth sealed. To you, death might be the worst thing ever because you can’t come back from it, but for me, this is death. I have issues.

Some people say that we’re all beautiful and were created in the image of God, but we all know that’s not true. I’ve done some pretty sick stuff to validate myself to me. I’ve created fake accounts to catfish beautiful girls and hear guys say they like me. I’d cast aside the fact that they were referring to the girls and not me. That would only bring me bliss for a minute then despair would creep in shortly thereafter.

I feel useless and worthless.

Don’t be fooled, this is no cry for help, this is me being me, the best way I know how. I have a lot of pity parties where despair is served. I want to die but I don’t want to kill myself. I want to not wake up after sleeping because this is no life, but dying will only amplify what is there already.

Normal girls are out partying, good girls are studying and some are sleeping. Hot girls are sleeping over and unbothered by life. Then there’s me, sitting in the dark, pondering as to why I’m still breathing. It’s 3 a.m. and I feel like shit. Looking at the moon and the stars is irrelevant. My life? No, this is no life.


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