It all began when I was 12 years old. Back then, I lost my mom and my dad in a car accident and had to live with my aunt in my father’s house in Clermont. She came to the house to stay with me. At my school, Christianenburg Primary School, they called me an orphan because I lost my parents. I became angry. I cried and cried because I felt lonely. Then one day, one of my friends called me to come to the toilet. I was flabbergasted when I saw him smoking cigarettes because I thought he was a saint. I thought he believed in God and followed His rules. So, I told him that I would tell the teacher that he was smoking cigarettes. Instead, he said no and told me that I must try smoking. He said, “Do you want to try?” And I said, “No.” Then, he asked me again. And I also said “no.” Then he begged me, “Come on, man, it’s nice. Just try. It won’t hurt.”

“No,” I yelled. “I thought you were a saint! I thought you believed in God. Smoking is bad for you.”

“Sometimes you just have to break God’s rules. I’m just trying to be nice.”

I was curious, and I felt the peer pressure. So, I took the cigarette and tried it for myself. I didn’t know how to smoke, but I tried. While doing it, I coughed. And my friend, whose name was Sibusiso, taught me how to smoke. Siphamandla, a boy from our class, saw us smoking and he went to the teacher to tell on us. He told her that Sibusiso and I were smoking. Mam’Tshali told the principal and we got suspended for two weeks.

I went home and my aunt was shocked to see me come home so early. She asked me why I was early and I told her that I had gotten suspended for smoking. She was furious and she went to my room and took all of my clothes. She said, “Ndabezinhle, You’re such a disgrace to this family. No one in this family smokes. You are such a disappointment! Leave this house! And never come back here!” I tried to apologise to her, but she was still the same way. So, I left for two hours and then came back again, trying to apologise. Luckily, she let me back in only because she knew I would starve out in the streets. She told me not to smoke again.

The next day, I went to Sibusiso’s home, here in Clermont. We were almost like neighbours. When I got there, his mom told me that he was at the back of the house. So, I went there. When I got there, I found him smoking in his shack. He told me to try smoking again, but I said yes this time. I could not think of anything but smoking. I had become addicted. I didn’t care about anything but smoking. I told him to give me the cigarette.

I stayed with Sibusiso for almost three hours. We played games on his PlayStation. Then, I went back home. When I arrived, I brushed my teeth so that my aunt would not smell that I had been smoking. And I watched TV. At night, I ate rice and chicken curry for supper and then I went to sleep. Day by day during the suspension from school, I would go to Sibusiso’s shack and stay with him. And always, when I went back home, I would brush my teeth so that my aunt would not smell that I had been smoking.

Two weeks later, I went back to school. All the other kids in Grade 7 would look at Sibusiso and I and ask us questions like, “How was it like when you got suspended?” Sibusiso and I would just be quiet.

One day after school, I went to Sibusiso’s home and we smoked, yet again. I was excited, because he said he was going to give me something new to try. While I was walking, I felt like someone was following me. I heard footsteps. But I didn’t look back. I was only wanting to get to his house to smoke as soon as possible.

When he opened the door, he was acting different. We said hello to each other and then he closed the door.

“Do you remember what I said last time? About trying something new?”

“Yes, Sibusiso, but what is it?”

“Something…different from cigarettes. I think you will like it.”

“Okay…but what it is?”

“That will ruin the surprise. Just try it!”

He took it out and it looked much different than a cigarette. Finally, he said it was weed. He lit the weed for me and smoked a bit first, then gave it to me. I was nervous. Suddenly, the door burst open. It was my aunt. She caught us smoking. And she could smell it. She was shocked. It was like she had learned some horrible news. She gasped and then fainted. Sibusiso and I tried for almost ten minutes to wake her up. We poured cold water on her face. I was so embarrassed. It took her ten more minutes to wake up. When she woke up, she was enraged. She grabbed me and we went home. When we arrived, she took my father’s old belt and punished me. I cried like a little baby.

Later that night, I was so angry with my aunt that I packed my clothes and I got out of the house and went into the streets. I took my blanket with me so that I would be warm as I slept. On the first night, I was scared. But I was bold. I wanted to get away from my aunt. I didn’t care who was watching me. I slept in an old, abandoned car.

I woke up at 03:00 to run to a nearby river and wash my body there. It took me two hours to get to school by 06:00. I would put on my uniform and run. After school, I would go home and see if my aunt was there or not. If she was not there, I would steal something that was not too valuable so that I could sell it and use the money to by some weed. Day-by-day, I would do the same thing.

One day, when I was in the street, seven thugs came and told me to come and see what they really do to survive. My aunt would come looking for me, but I would hide when I saw her. I could not hide from the thugs, though. I was afraid of what they would do to me if I ran. So, I went to see what they really do.

I followed them to New Germany to a big house. I watched them break inside of it. When they got out of the house, they were holding a big flat screen and a table made of glass. Then, they went to their hiding place and then they planned how to sell the things they had stolen. They told me that I must try to do what they did, so they took me to a small house because I was an amateur and they told me to steal things that I could see that were valuable. So, I went into that house and there was no one. I saw a big safe. I also wanted to impress the thugs. So, I took it out and came outside. The thugs were waiting for me. They helped me with the things I carried and we went to the hiding place on 30th avenue at Ndunduma in Clermont.

The first thing they did was break the safe. Out came R21,000 and we tried to divide it. When they tried to rob me with the money I then said no and told them that since I was good with maths I should be the one to help separate the money. There were eight of us, so each of us got R2,375. I used half of my money to buy weed for two months. I used the other half of my money to buy food so that I could eat. Then later that day, I bought some vetkoek with cheese and polony. Then after that, I smoked some weed and went to sleep.

The next day, I went to bathe in the river and go to school. I still cared about school because I still cared about my future. Even though I smoked and lived on the street, I still wanted to go to school. One year later, when I was in a new school called Buhlebemfundo Secondary School. I was a well-known boy and I was a bully. I had a friend whose name was Ntando. Ntando was a quiet person, but he always did what you wanted him to do. One day, I told him to smoke. He said no because the smoke affects the lungs and makes you behave naughty and you became a rebel. So, after hearing that, I tried to quit smoking.

***

Two years later, when I got to Grade 10, I was not being myself because it had been a very long time since I had smoked. My attempt to quit was successful. It took me four tries, but on the fourth one, I quit for good. But on that day, I had gotten a really low mark on an exam and I was just feeling so stressed. I felt like I needed something to relax me.

I went to Sibusiso’s home. I saw his mom and she told me that Sibusiso was in his shack. I went there and I found him smoking. He said, “After a long time, you come to see me? What happened to you, man?” I didn’t answer the question. I just said, “I need to smoke.” We smoked together and talked about what we used to do in the past. I told him it was time for me to go home. But I did not say that I was going to the streets. So, I went to some of my thug friends and told them that I needed to hustle. They told me that there was a grey house that was big and had an owner with money. So, we went there, but not exactly there. We were near the house and we waited for the owner to leave out. When he left, we went inside and stole the vases that we saw. Then, we went to his room and took all his valuables, like clothes, shoes, and a TV. And then, we went to our hiding place and decided, again, how to divide the things. Then, we each took our things and sold them for drug money.

***

Three years later, when I finished school, I went to my aunt. I apologised for what I did to her and the disappointment I gave the family. She said, “If God forgives you, then I will forgive, because you are a son of the Lord. I went looking for you, my boy. I did. But I am glad you decided to come back.” I told her that I would be going to rehab to change my ways. So, I went to a rehab clinic in town and stayed there for three months. I learned new things, like how to say no and I learned inner peace by doing meditation.

When I got out of rehab, I went to church. I heard the word of God saying, “Help those who have addictions, because they need your help. I will guide you until you succeed.” This inspired me to go to UKZN to apply for university. Miraculously, I was accepted and I decided to study Psychiatry and Biology because I wanted to learn more about the human body and because I wanted to be a psychiatrist. I wanted to be a psychiatrist because I had heard God telling me that I must help other people. Also, I wanted to be one so I could work in a rehabilitation facility and help those with addiction and mental illnesses.

As a first time student at a university, I did not know that much. I had to study hard in order to pass. One day, I was lost and I saw a girl and went to her and asked, “Sorry, can you please show me the buildings found in this university?” She just showed me because she was kind. I asked her what her name was and she said it was Luyanda. She also said she was a second year student and she was also studying the same things as me: Biology and Psychiatry. We became pretty close friends. Sometimes I would go to her and even ask questions if I was having trouble understanding. Turns out, she was very smart. Month after month, we got to know each other by studying and hanging out. But, there came a time when she was leaving the university because she got a bursary to attend school in America. When she was leaving, I took her to the airport and we shared a kiss goodbye.

After she left, I studied very hard. When the teacher said something I did not understand, I would call Luyanda and ask her for help. Like always, she pushed me and helped me understand the material. With Luyanda’s help, I ended up passing my final first year exams on November 2012. I was on the way to being a psychiatrist, and on my way to helping the mentally ill and those with addictions. Right after I got my results, I called Luyanda to tell her the good news. She was so proud of me. I said to her, “Thank you so much for helping me. I am a survivor. I once got addicted to drugs, and I fought it. I experienced it. And now, I will help those who are trying to fight it.”