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Pain does not last forever

AUTHOR: Keoikantse Senoelo

PUBLISHER: FunDza Literacy Trust

LANGUAGE: English

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I do not know if it’s normal to think about a person you were once involved with once upon a time like I do. There is no a single day that passes without him in my mind, not even a minute, and there is nothing I can do about it. The saddest thing is that I cannot talk about this. Of course I can write it all down in my diary, it has always been there for me to dump everything in it, whether sadness or happiness.

I do not understand and I cannot feel if it’s still love or just the marks of footsteps left behind but I can tell that whatever it is that I am going through is not healthy. No one knows what my heart is dealing with and no one can see that I am still holding on to the past and it is killing me. I was, and I still am, good with pretending.

I leave my sad face under my blankets each day and not even a single person can tell or suspect that I am wearing a mask. I convince myself that I am fine even when I know that I am not. I am beating myself up every day for thinking about a person who I am sure is not thinking about me.

I hate him and I want to hate him forever. He is the reason that I cannot move on. Yes, he is not doing it directly and he does not know that I am holding back because of him. He is part of this because of what he did. I don’t know what he did exactly for me to be like this but it’s what he did.

Maybe he let me be obsessed about him by entertaining it. I feel like he owes me. I don’t know what exactly but he owes me! Who thinks about a person like this? I know I am a crazy lady but this is way beyond crazy.

I don’t want to talk about pain itself but sadness. I am sad, I am not in pain. I was in pain before and I cried about it, but not anymore. I ran out of tears. See? He owes me because I don’t have tears to let out anymore. I don’t have interest in other males. It’s all because of him.

Sometimes I wish I could have a memory loss so that he can be cleared out of my mind. I don’t know if he is in my mind or in my heart. If it’s a heart then maybe a heart failure would help. I am just saying. When I wake up in the morning, it’s him torturing my mind.

When I go out I know that I am not alone, he is there nagging my mind. Sometimes, I find myself with an angry face or even thinking out loud out of nowhere. Do you know what that makes me looks like? Mad woman! This is all because of one person.

Percy was the guy I ever for the first time fell deeply in love with. He was not my first love but I know he was the first to leave a mark in my heart. He was neither handsome nor ugly. He was fair looking and short. He liked to shave all of his hair and left his head looking shiny, like he had applied olive oil on it. I did not like it because I could see my face when I looked at his head.

He had brains, though, and probably that is the reason why I was attracted to him.

He liked to tuck in both t-shirts and shirts, but I assumed it was because he was inspired to be a businessman one day so he was practicing for the future for when he would be attending formal meetings.

He completed me and I always hoped to have him forever in my life. My love for him never in any way decreased. I loved him more each and every day regardless of how we fought.

There is no perfect relationship but our relationship was worse because it was not even better. I can say we spent more time fighting than being happy throughout the period of our relationship.

I was aware that I was in a toxic relationship but it was hard for me to leave. I was one of the insecure girlfriends and I did not trust him. There is always a reason behind everything, whether behind a feeling, emotion or an action. He gave me reasons not to trust him and the very first one is that, he was a cheater.

Percy knew that I loved him and he knew that I was not about to leave him. I gave him all the power by showing and practicing the love that I had for him. There are guys who take advantage of their girlfriends once they assure them that they are not going anywhere.

They know that you will keep on forgiving them but I tell you this, the day will come when your heart cannot handle the pain anymore and you will leave.

I am the one who kept us together. I fought for us to stay together. I did not give up on us easily yet he called me names. He made me grow without realizing it.

New love treatment does not last in most cases. I know because for the first two weeks of our relationship we were so in love like we never experienced the feeling of being in a relationship. We made late night calls, late chats, you name them.

The first thing that I did when I opened my eyes in the morning was to check my phone because I knew I would find a text from my man. We were so fond of each other and cared a lot about each other. He was actually the person I cried to when things were not going well in my life. It did not last, though.

It was February when I had to go to school, same applied to him. We were in a long distance relationship and we obviously thought we were going to last for a long time because we loved each other. I tell you this, towards the end of February things started to get a little bit sour.

We were fighting about useless things to the extent of “can we just be friends” nonsense. Before the first quarter holidays we broke up and made up about 10 times. Things were not the same and I knew from the moment of our first break-up that it won’t be fixed but I fought for us to get back together because I did not want to face reality.

We were like a torn paper. We kept on trying to get the pieces together with cello-tape. Believe me when I say, we would not have lasted for months if it was not for me. I was the saviour of our relationship. It was a “Mickey mouse relationship,” as Percy called it.

He was a cheater, like I said. I happened to find out that he had another girl in his life. It broke me.

He was the guy that I did not want to get over. He was the guy that I wanted to myself only. I did not want to share Percy with anyone. I did not want him to love me more than any other girl; I wanted to be the only girl he loved. I never thought that was too much to ask for.

He brought too much pain into my heart but the feelings that I had for him did not fade away. I tried to act like I did not care but it never worked because I cared. I am sure one of the questions that you asked when you were being cheated on is, “why?” I did ask too and his answer was confusing.

He said I am the reason why he cheated. He said I pushed him away. How can you really push someone you love away? Lame excuse! He was just being greedy. He wanted to have all of us at the same time which was unacceptable.

Wait until your man makes you drop few tears and that is when you will feel that you love him from the depths of your heart. I cried and I was not proud.

As we were not happy together, we finally broke up towards the end of the year. It is funny because I am the one who left him but I kept on holding back. I had to leave but I still loved him. I did not follow my heart, I did what I knew was the right thing to do. I thought I could not live without him but I am now living without him even though he is still in my mind. You do not have to punish yourself by staying in a bad relationship because you think you cannot live without them.

Let me tell you something.

Oxygen is the only thing that you cannot live without.

Your partner is not your oxygen. What makes you think you cannot live without them when they depart from your life? Yes, they kept you going but the minute they turned their back on you means they care less. Care less about them too and keep walking. You will survive better than you were with them.

I know moving on is not easy, as I said. It takes a lot of courage to do it. Moving on from the person you love is not something you can just do overnight. I understand.

Promise your inner self never to turn back. Try very hard not to think about them and if it happens that you think about them, try only to think of the pain that they brought in your life. Think of how bad they treated you and ask yourself if you really deserve them.

You deserve the best. If they cannot take good care of your heart or if they cannot give you the respect that you deserve, someone else will. If they do not appreciate the love and care that you give to them, someone else will.

You tried very much to keep them, right? You fought for them with their mistakes, right? You have been patient, hoping for the best, but the best that you have been hoping for turned out to be the worst. MOVE!

You will not be the first to move on from someone you wanted to be with forever and you will not be the last. The pain won’t be there forever.

***

Tell us what you think: Do you still think about your exes? Are you friends with them?


12 Responses

  1. “My love for him never decreased. I loved him more each and every day regardless of how we fought.”
    I must say that the line I quoted there moved me and pushed me to scroll down.
    Madam Writer the way your words match my imaginations is like I was watching the whole thing happening to you.

    A great piece there Hey. Keep on writing for us more and all the best Mam.

    Plain truth, “nothing last forever.”

    Potlaki S'potla Dezz Moalusi
    18 Mar 2017 at 07:01
  2. Interesting and amusing keep it up girl

    vitumbiko
    15 Mar 2017 at 19:26

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